12-20-2007, 12:53 AM
We’re your friends, daughters, coworkers, neighbors and the strangers you pass every day, but don’t think for one moment that we’re exactly like you. We’re twentysomethings—bright, sassy, educated—and learning (sometimes the hard way) to survive and thrive in the real world. You may think you know us, but if it has been a few years since you legitimately called yourself a twentysomething—because those “twentysomething forever” bumper stickers eventually fade in the sun—then you may need to think again.
Beloit College’s annual “mindset list” for the upcoming class of college freshman highlights some of the differences of today’s twentysomethings. They observe, “This year’s entering students have grown up in a country where the Presidents have all been Southerners, and in a world with AIDS and without apartheid. Saturns have always been on the street, the Fox Network has always been on television, and prom dresses have always come in basic black. The evil empire is not earth-bound, the drug ‘ecstacy’ has always been available, and with the breakup of AT&T, nobody has been able to comprehend a phone bill.”
If you’re wondering how to relate to this new breed of young adults—and build bridges into their hearts and lives—and here are a few insiders’ tips:
-Twentysomethings long for authentic relationships. Sure, we come off as the independent, do-it-yourself, constantly-on-the-move type, but don’t be fooled by our appearances. Underneath the too-busy-don’t-have-time veneer, we’re starving for authentic relationships.
While researching for Twentysomething: Surviving & Thriving in the Real World (W Publishing), I asked dozens of young adults what is the top struggle of being a twentysomething. The most common answer caught me off guard. Survey says: Loneliness. And married women answered loneliness more often than singles!
Twentysomethings today are looking to connect with other people including you. Like no other generation before, we long for mentors who will offer a listening ear and a kind smile on a regular basis
Over the years, I’ve had a number of Christian mentors, women who were willing to open up their busy schedules to hang out with me. Some were official, like Jeanie, a fifty-something woman, who I was teamed up with as part of a woman-to-woman mentor program in conjunction with a Pensacola, Florida-based church. We met once every two weeks for four months. At first, we were strangers, but over the course of our girl’s lunches, we became friends. Four years and several moves later, we still exchange Christmas cards and letters.
Toward the end of the mentoring program, Jeanie confessed, “At first, I was intimidated to join the program and act as a mentor. I knew I didn’t have all the answers to the questions you would be asking. But now I realize that you weren’t coming to me for answers, you were coming for a listening ear and a friendship. That took so much of the pressure off.”
If you’re in your thirties, forties, fifties or older and can afford the time to meet with us once a month on a regular basis—whether it’s for lunch, cup of coffee, long walk or short jog—we’d love to spend time with you. You may have to take the initiative and develop the guidelines and boundaries for the relationship (so we don’t call you at 3 a.m. to tell you about the latest n’ greatest Infomercial ad on television), but your efforts will more than be rewarded.
As you build relationships with twentysomethings, remember that we’re not really asking for advice as much as we’re hoping for a listening ear. We’re also looking for people who will be honest about their own mistakes and misgivings. The most powerful stories you’ll ever share with a twentysomething include the words “I was wrong” or “That was a mistake.”
Sara, a twentysomething involved in a Texas-based college ministry, advises, “Be real. Let (us) see your struggles. We want to see that you have the same issues that we have, or that you did when you were our age at least. You really understand and appreciate people more when you know where they're coming from. Share what you're learning.”
Twentysomethings want you to celebrate (or at least respect) their singleness. According to the US Census Bureau, since our parents’ generation, the median age of marriage for men has risen from 22 to 27 and the median age of women has risen from 20 to 24. That sounds like a pretty harmless statistic unless, of course, you’re in this demographic.
Let me break it down for you. Today’s twentysomethings are marrying four to five years later, on average, than our parents. So when we call our moms to ask to for advice relating to our careers, personal finances and student loans (which are topping $17,000 on average, per college graduate, ouch!), we feel worlds apart. My mom married at 19; I married at 29. I spent a decade facing a long list of challenges and situations including Internet dating, speed dating and meat-market singles’ groups, that she never had to face.
Twentysomethings like me are often okay with the challenges, but our parents’ generation doesn’t seem to as comfortable. We don’t want to be asked dead-end questions such as “Have you gone on any dates lately?” or “Why aren’t you married?” Unless Ashton Kutcher becomes single again (sorry Demi Moore) and moves next door, we probably don’t have a better answer for you than the last time you asked. And if we do, we’ll tell you.
So don’t feel like you have to play hall monitor on our single status or even worse, match maker, when you’re not asked. If you have someone that we really should meet, calmly let us know, and if we’re interested we’ll let you know. Meanwhile, focus on encouraging us in our careers, ministry involvement and spiritual growth. And, of course, you can always let us know when we look like we’ve lost weight. That almost always makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Final Word of Advice
The good news is that today’s twentysomethings aren’t looking for you to be perfect or have all the right answers. And if you try, don’t be surprised if your new twentysomething friends shy away from you. They aren’t looking for you to be a hero, they’re just hoping you’ll be a friend and love them right where they are. And that’s not so much. Because, really, isn’t that what you’re looking for, too?
Quick Pointers for Building Relationships with Twentysomethings:
-Get Plugged In. Twentysomethings are on the Internet. Most have an email address, and many have a web page. Don’t just pick up the phone. Email twentysomething friends from time to time. Visit their webpages, and if they had a well-established career, try to google the person. Go to http://www.google.com and type in the person’s name with quotes around it. You may find a whole lot of buried talent.
-Be Sensitive to Finances. Singles often have more discretionary income than married couples with kids, but don’t assume every twentysomething single is a high-roller. Strapped with student loans, credit card debt, and an entry-level or low paying job, you may want to pick up the tab for lunch more than every other time or plan on some picnics.
-Be There. Be Where? You have limited time and resources, but here are three important dates to remember in every twentysomethings’ life: Birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Moving Day. If you have trouble remembering birthdays, sign up for a free reminder at http://www.birthdayalarm.com. Pick up the phone, send a card, or buy a gift – whether it’s big or small – whatever you do means more than you could know. For single twentysomethings, invest in cards, candy and flowers as an unexpected Valentine’s surprise. And whenever a twentysomething is moving – especially if he/she is moving away – offer to help clean, pack or carry boxes. Your actions will be a lifelong reminder that you really did care.
--Margaret Feinberg (http://www.margaretfeinberg.com) is an author and speaker based in Sitka, Alaska. She’s author of The Organic God, Twentysomething: Surviving & Thriving in the Real World and What the Heck Should I Do With My Life? An avid blogger, (http://www.margaretfeinberg.blogspot.com), you can reach her at margaret@margaretfeinberg.com .
Beloit College’s annual “mindset list” for the upcoming class of college freshman highlights some of the differences of today’s twentysomethings. They observe, “This year’s entering students have grown up in a country where the Presidents have all been Southerners, and in a world with AIDS and without apartheid. Saturns have always been on the street, the Fox Network has always been on television, and prom dresses have always come in basic black. The evil empire is not earth-bound, the drug ‘ecstacy’ has always been available, and with the breakup of AT&T, nobody has been able to comprehend a phone bill.”
If you’re wondering how to relate to this new breed of young adults—and build bridges into their hearts and lives—and here are a few insiders’ tips:
-Twentysomethings long for authentic relationships. Sure, we come off as the independent, do-it-yourself, constantly-on-the-move type, but don’t be fooled by our appearances. Underneath the too-busy-don’t-have-time veneer, we’re starving for authentic relationships.
While researching for Twentysomething: Surviving & Thriving in the Real World (W Publishing), I asked dozens of young adults what is the top struggle of being a twentysomething. The most common answer caught me off guard. Survey says: Loneliness. And married women answered loneliness more often than singles!
Twentysomethings today are looking to connect with other people including you. Like no other generation before, we long for mentors who will offer a listening ear and a kind smile on a regular basis
Over the years, I’ve had a number of Christian mentors, women who were willing to open up their busy schedules to hang out with me. Some were official, like Jeanie, a fifty-something woman, who I was teamed up with as part of a woman-to-woman mentor program in conjunction with a Pensacola, Florida-based church. We met once every two weeks for four months. At first, we were strangers, but over the course of our girl’s lunches, we became friends. Four years and several moves later, we still exchange Christmas cards and letters.
Toward the end of the mentoring program, Jeanie confessed, “At first, I was intimidated to join the program and act as a mentor. I knew I didn’t have all the answers to the questions you would be asking. But now I realize that you weren’t coming to me for answers, you were coming for a listening ear and a friendship. That took so much of the pressure off.”
If you’re in your thirties, forties, fifties or older and can afford the time to meet with us once a month on a regular basis—whether it’s for lunch, cup of coffee, long walk or short jog—we’d love to spend time with you. You may have to take the initiative and develop the guidelines and boundaries for the relationship (so we don’t call you at 3 a.m. to tell you about the latest n’ greatest Infomercial ad on television), but your efforts will more than be rewarded.
As you build relationships with twentysomethings, remember that we’re not really asking for advice as much as we’re hoping for a listening ear. We’re also looking for people who will be honest about their own mistakes and misgivings. The most powerful stories you’ll ever share with a twentysomething include the words “I was wrong” or “That was a mistake.”
Sara, a twentysomething involved in a Texas-based college ministry, advises, “Be real. Let (us) see your struggles. We want to see that you have the same issues that we have, or that you did when you were our age at least. You really understand and appreciate people more when you know where they're coming from. Share what you're learning.”
Twentysomethings want you to celebrate (or at least respect) their singleness. According to the US Census Bureau, since our parents’ generation, the median age of marriage for men has risen from 22 to 27 and the median age of women has risen from 20 to 24. That sounds like a pretty harmless statistic unless, of course, you’re in this demographic.
Let me break it down for you. Today’s twentysomethings are marrying four to five years later, on average, than our parents. So when we call our moms to ask to for advice relating to our careers, personal finances and student loans (which are topping $17,000 on average, per college graduate, ouch!), we feel worlds apart. My mom married at 19; I married at 29. I spent a decade facing a long list of challenges and situations including Internet dating, speed dating and meat-market singles’ groups, that she never had to face.
Twentysomethings like me are often okay with the challenges, but our parents’ generation doesn’t seem to as comfortable. We don’t want to be asked dead-end questions such as “Have you gone on any dates lately?” or “Why aren’t you married?” Unless Ashton Kutcher becomes single again (sorry Demi Moore) and moves next door, we probably don’t have a better answer for you than the last time you asked. And if we do, we’ll tell you.
So don’t feel like you have to play hall monitor on our single status or even worse, match maker, when you’re not asked. If you have someone that we really should meet, calmly let us know, and if we’re interested we’ll let you know. Meanwhile, focus on encouraging us in our careers, ministry involvement and spiritual growth. And, of course, you can always let us know when we look like we’ve lost weight. That almost always makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Final Word of Advice
The good news is that today’s twentysomethings aren’t looking for you to be perfect or have all the right answers. And if you try, don’t be surprised if your new twentysomething friends shy away from you. They aren’t looking for you to be a hero, they’re just hoping you’ll be a friend and love them right where they are. And that’s not so much. Because, really, isn’t that what you’re looking for, too?
Quick Pointers for Building Relationships with Twentysomethings:
-Get Plugged In. Twentysomethings are on the Internet. Most have an email address, and many have a web page. Don’t just pick up the phone. Email twentysomething friends from time to time. Visit their webpages, and if they had a well-established career, try to google the person. Go to http://www.google.com and type in the person’s name with quotes around it. You may find a whole lot of buried talent.
-Be Sensitive to Finances. Singles often have more discretionary income than married couples with kids, but don’t assume every twentysomething single is a high-roller. Strapped with student loans, credit card debt, and an entry-level or low paying job, you may want to pick up the tab for lunch more than every other time or plan on some picnics.
-Be There. Be Where? You have limited time and resources, but here are three important dates to remember in every twentysomethings’ life: Birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Moving Day. If you have trouble remembering birthdays, sign up for a free reminder at http://www.birthdayalarm.com. Pick up the phone, send a card, or buy a gift – whether it’s big or small – whatever you do means more than you could know. For single twentysomethings, invest in cards, candy and flowers as an unexpected Valentine’s surprise. And whenever a twentysomething is moving – especially if he/she is moving away – offer to help clean, pack or carry boxes. Your actions will be a lifelong reminder that you really did care.
--Margaret Feinberg (http://www.margaretfeinberg.com) is an author and speaker based in Sitka, Alaska. She’s author of The Organic God, Twentysomething: Surviving & Thriving in the Real World and What the Heck Should I Do With My Life? An avid blogger, (http://www.margaretfeinberg.blogspot.com), you can reach her at margaret@margaretfeinberg.com .
