01-28-2008, 06:44 PM
It was late afternoon and I punched the security code into the church alarm system. Sami, my daughter, was grinning big. "You know the security code?" She asked. I set my shoulders back, held my head high. "Yeah, I do."
She looked at me with little girl awe.
I knew the security code. I’d been trusted with top-secret information. I was cool. And she was cool by association.
We spent the next twenty minutes turning on lights and putting up tables for the women’s ministry. We laughed. We sang out loud. And when we were certain no one was looking, we danced.
Months earlier I would never have considered serving the church. I was a single parent and really, the church was supposed to serve me. I wouldn’t have said those words out loud, but that belief defined the way I lived. My perspective didn’t change until I was asked to set up those tables and participate in the ministry around me. From there I made coffee, started greeting, then led a small group and finally, as God matured me, I taught in the larger environment.
The more I gave, the better I felt. I was contributing something valuable. I had gifts. My brokenness had built empathy into my heart and I learned that I could help others.
Now, ten years later, I have discovered this scenario applies to most single parents. They don’t know how much they have to give until they start serving. Then they discover strengths, gifting, hope, community and joy.
As leaders, we need to develop an environment where single parents can grow, serve and invest in others. We can encourage that process in several ways:
Separate recovery from single-parent family ministry
Not all single parents are in crisis. The population itself is growing. Many have always been single, others were divorced long ago, and still others have lost their spouse to death and have been on their own for years. We make a mistake to assume that every single parent is in dire need of recovery classes and healing. While you want to offer programs such as DivorceCare and other grief recovery classes, it is important to separate that from your single-parent ministry.
In keeping with this, set a specific tone in your single-parent class. Communicate an upbeat vision, a heartfelt passion to do life and ministry together. Then keep your eyes open. For example, if an individual attending the single-parent ministry is spending a lot of time talking about his divorce, you can gently direct him to a ministry that will serve him better.
By separating divorce and grief recovery from regular single-parent ministry, you protect the health of your community. The common bond will be the fact that all individuals involved are single and also parents, rather than a common bond based on history and heartache. While there will certainly be needs and opportunities to serve one another, the overall purpose of the group will be one of building relationship with Christ, learning to love others and seeking to serve the larger community.
Encourage purpose
When I first came into the church, I didn’t think I had anything to contribute. I was a "failure." What could I offer the church? But when I was asked to roll out tables, I thought, "Sure, yes. I can do that!"
Not long after that, someone else encouraged me to take a Network class designed to help me understand my gifting. I did. Suddenly my life took on a greater meaning than surviving through the day. I had something to offer.
Single parents need to know that they have purpose. Even if life hasn’t gone according to plan, they have a tremendous amount to give. They’ve grieved some type of loss, they’ve learned to cope financially, and they’ve dealt with diapers and temper tantrums. They’ve fixed plumbing and put together toys with too many parts. In the midst of their survival, they have gained skills that can make a difference in the lives of others.
As a leader, you can point out the unique strengths that single parenting can develop. Take your class through a course on purpose and passion; help them discover how God has equipped them. Be passionate. Be enthusiastic. Remind them of their value and watch what God does.
Invite participation
I would not have taken that first step without an invitation. Start small, but encourage single parents in your community to get involved. Allow them to include the children, but invite them to participate.
Too often the assumption is made that single parents should be left alone, that they have too much on their plate. Yes, single parents do have a lot to do, but they also have a God-given need to use their gifts to help others. Help them start this process by extending the invitation.
Focus on service
The best way to build a healthy ministry group is to serve someone else in need. There are a couple of ways to make this happen in a single-parent family setting. Take a Saturday and work together on one family’s house. Rake leaves, paint rooms, help with the laundry.
Serve the community as well. Collect food for the food bank; serve a meal at the homeless shelter, work together to clean a local park. All of these activities can be done with kids in tow. Volunteer service will build a sense of purpose and joy in the single-parent community but it will also give the children a solid example of how important it is to give to the world around them.
Purpose and service are vital to a healthy single-parent family ministry. We find the best moments in life as we use our gifts to make the world a better place, as we teach our children to do the same, and understand that even though we’ve been through the ringer, we have something valuable to offer.
In Mark, Chapter 12, a widow gives the last of her money into the plate. Jesus calls to his disciples and points her out. He lets the disciples know that she has given more than her wealthy peers. You can almost hear the pride in his voice as you read the Scripture. This woman’s story is documented for all of history because her contribution mattered to the King of Kings.
Single parents have no idea how their faithful service will affect not only their immediate world, but also future generations. They don’t yet know how Jesus will point them out, smile on His face, proud for the choices they are making. Tell them. Tell them that they have the gifts, the strength and the courage to make an incredible difference. Not only that, believe it for yourself — so that your enthusiasm will be contagious.
Single parents have much to offer, do your best to give them the opportunity.
About the Author: Elsa Kok is the editor of the Single-Parent edition of the Focus on the Family magazine. She is also a national conference and retreat speaker based out of Colorado Springs, where she lives and plays with her daughter, Sami, and her dog, Reeses.
She looked at me with little girl awe.
I knew the security code. I’d been trusted with top-secret information. I was cool. And she was cool by association.
We spent the next twenty minutes turning on lights and putting up tables for the women’s ministry. We laughed. We sang out loud. And when we were certain no one was looking, we danced.
Months earlier I would never have considered serving the church. I was a single parent and really, the church was supposed to serve me. I wouldn’t have said those words out loud, but that belief defined the way I lived. My perspective didn’t change until I was asked to set up those tables and participate in the ministry around me. From there I made coffee, started greeting, then led a small group and finally, as God matured me, I taught in the larger environment.
The more I gave, the better I felt. I was contributing something valuable. I had gifts. My brokenness had built empathy into my heart and I learned that I could help others.
Now, ten years later, I have discovered this scenario applies to most single parents. They don’t know how much they have to give until they start serving. Then they discover strengths, gifting, hope, community and joy.
As leaders, we need to develop an environment where single parents can grow, serve and invest in others. We can encourage that process in several ways:
Separate recovery from single-parent family ministry
Not all single parents are in crisis. The population itself is growing. Many have always been single, others were divorced long ago, and still others have lost their spouse to death and have been on their own for years. We make a mistake to assume that every single parent is in dire need of recovery classes and healing. While you want to offer programs such as DivorceCare and other grief recovery classes, it is important to separate that from your single-parent ministry.
In keeping with this, set a specific tone in your single-parent class. Communicate an upbeat vision, a heartfelt passion to do life and ministry together. Then keep your eyes open. For example, if an individual attending the single-parent ministry is spending a lot of time talking about his divorce, you can gently direct him to a ministry that will serve him better.
By separating divorce and grief recovery from regular single-parent ministry, you protect the health of your community. The common bond will be the fact that all individuals involved are single and also parents, rather than a common bond based on history and heartache. While there will certainly be needs and opportunities to serve one another, the overall purpose of the group will be one of building relationship with Christ, learning to love others and seeking to serve the larger community.
Encourage purpose
When I first came into the church, I didn’t think I had anything to contribute. I was a "failure." What could I offer the church? But when I was asked to roll out tables, I thought, "Sure, yes. I can do that!"
Not long after that, someone else encouraged me to take a Network class designed to help me understand my gifting. I did. Suddenly my life took on a greater meaning than surviving through the day. I had something to offer.
Single parents need to know that they have purpose. Even if life hasn’t gone according to plan, they have a tremendous amount to give. They’ve grieved some type of loss, they’ve learned to cope financially, and they’ve dealt with diapers and temper tantrums. They’ve fixed plumbing and put together toys with too many parts. In the midst of their survival, they have gained skills that can make a difference in the lives of others.
As a leader, you can point out the unique strengths that single parenting can develop. Take your class through a course on purpose and passion; help them discover how God has equipped them. Be passionate. Be enthusiastic. Remind them of their value and watch what God does.
Invite participation
I would not have taken that first step without an invitation. Start small, but encourage single parents in your community to get involved. Allow them to include the children, but invite them to participate.
Too often the assumption is made that single parents should be left alone, that they have too much on their plate. Yes, single parents do have a lot to do, but they also have a God-given need to use their gifts to help others. Help them start this process by extending the invitation.
Focus on service
The best way to build a healthy ministry group is to serve someone else in need. There are a couple of ways to make this happen in a single-parent family setting. Take a Saturday and work together on one family’s house. Rake leaves, paint rooms, help with the laundry.
Serve the community as well. Collect food for the food bank; serve a meal at the homeless shelter, work together to clean a local park. All of these activities can be done with kids in tow. Volunteer service will build a sense of purpose and joy in the single-parent community but it will also give the children a solid example of how important it is to give to the world around them.
Purpose and service are vital to a healthy single-parent family ministry. We find the best moments in life as we use our gifts to make the world a better place, as we teach our children to do the same, and understand that even though we’ve been through the ringer, we have something valuable to offer.
In Mark, Chapter 12, a widow gives the last of her money into the plate. Jesus calls to his disciples and points her out. He lets the disciples know that she has given more than her wealthy peers. You can almost hear the pride in his voice as you read the Scripture. This woman’s story is documented for all of history because her contribution mattered to the King of Kings.
Single parents have no idea how their faithful service will affect not only their immediate world, but also future generations. They don’t yet know how Jesus will point them out, smile on His face, proud for the choices they are making. Tell them. Tell them that they have the gifts, the strength and the courage to make an incredible difference. Not only that, believe it for yourself — so that your enthusiasm will be contagious.
Single parents have much to offer, do your best to give them the opportunity.
About the Author: Elsa Kok is the editor of the Single-Parent edition of the Focus on the Family magazine. She is also a national conference and retreat speaker based out of Colorado Springs, where she lives and plays with her daughter, Sami, and her dog, Reeses.