08-09-2008, 11:18 PM
You have a friend who has a family member who dies tragically in an accident. You know their grief is great and you want to say the right thing. How do you express yourself in a note? A family member loses a young child to an agonizing disease. What words can you say to express the grief you feel for him?
The answer is simple; just do it! In other words, don't worry about saying the wrong thing. Sometimes people worry so much about the vcontent of their condolence that they say nothing at all. The grieving friend might then come to the conclusion that you don't care.
Here are some suggestions for offerings of condolence.
- Mention special qualities of the deceased, soemthing you learned from her or how you were influenced by her. A friend of ours who died of heart disease really knew how to have fun. He hooked his motorized lawn mower to a red wagon, mounted a sail on it, dressed in pirate garb, and transported all the 2- and 3-year-olds in the neighborhood on a Halloween trick-or-treat adventure. In my note to his wife, I said, "I'll never picture Halloween again as I did watching Gene transport the future generation of play characters around the neighborhood. I will up my playfulness in quotient of his honor."
- If you didn't know the deceased, say something like, "I didn't know your sister, but knowing you, and what a special person you are, leads me to the conclusion that she was just as wonderful. My life has been enriched by your friendship, as I'm sure your sister's was by having you in her family. Please know that I am here for you."
- Recalling the jumorous side of your relationship with the deceased is more than appropriate. Humor heals and brings levity to a grave situation.
- If your note offers physical support to the person, be sure to follow up on your commitment by mentioning specifics at the time you write it. For example: "Would you allow me to take the kids for you so that you could have a couple of days to rest? Dates that are good for me are _________. I'll call you in a couple of weeks to set it up." Real offers usually have dates and times attached.
- Stay in contact. Send notes, even if they are one liners. People need support long after the flowers have died. Make a pact with yourself to send one note or make one call a week for a couple of months. It's the firends who keep visiting, calling, and sending notes who bring us back to life.
- If you are a busy person, but you really want to lend a hand, state what you can do. For isntance, "I know there are many people helping with the funeral process. Can I help in any way by getting the word out to colleagues and friends? I have a computer and a copier and can notify people by mail. I have a couple of free nights this week from _______ to _______."
- Offer to be a listening ear. Don't offer advice that she/he already knows, such as: "It's time to get on with your life; you're young and can get married; or, you can have another child." Instead, really listen to her, be patient and sympathetic.
- Be fully present for her/him. Don't compare a situation to what you have experienced. You can never really know what someone's loss is like because every situation is unique.
- Special circumstances, such as a traumatic death or suicide, still require condolences. Address the situation honestly; "I was shocked and saddened to hear about ______________. I can't imagine what it must be like for you at this time." Please don't ask her/him to repeat the whole story to you. She/he has had to tell the story again and again, and that adds to the sadness and the stress.
taken from the book Acts of Kindness How to Create a Kindness Revolution by Maladee and Hanoch McCarty
The answer is simple; just do it! In other words, don't worry about saying the wrong thing. Sometimes people worry so much about the vcontent of their condolence that they say nothing at all. The grieving friend might then come to the conclusion that you don't care.
Here are some suggestions for offerings of condolence.
- Mention special qualities of the deceased, soemthing you learned from her or how you were influenced by her. A friend of ours who died of heart disease really knew how to have fun. He hooked his motorized lawn mower to a red wagon, mounted a sail on it, dressed in pirate garb, and transported all the 2- and 3-year-olds in the neighborhood on a Halloween trick-or-treat adventure. In my note to his wife, I said, "I'll never picture Halloween again as I did watching Gene transport the future generation of play characters around the neighborhood. I will up my playfulness in quotient of his honor."
- If you didn't know the deceased, say something like, "I didn't know your sister, but knowing you, and what a special person you are, leads me to the conclusion that she was just as wonderful. My life has been enriched by your friendship, as I'm sure your sister's was by having you in her family. Please know that I am here for you."
- Recalling the jumorous side of your relationship with the deceased is more than appropriate. Humor heals and brings levity to a grave situation.
- If your note offers physical support to the person, be sure to follow up on your commitment by mentioning specifics at the time you write it. For example: "Would you allow me to take the kids for you so that you could have a couple of days to rest? Dates that are good for me are _________. I'll call you in a couple of weeks to set it up." Real offers usually have dates and times attached.
- Stay in contact. Send notes, even if they are one liners. People need support long after the flowers have died. Make a pact with yourself to send one note or make one call a week for a couple of months. It's the firends who keep visiting, calling, and sending notes who bring us back to life.
- If you are a busy person, but you really want to lend a hand, state what you can do. For isntance, "I know there are many people helping with the funeral process. Can I help in any way by getting the word out to colleagues and friends? I have a computer and a copier and can notify people by mail. I have a couple of free nights this week from _______ to _______."
- Offer to be a listening ear. Don't offer advice that she/he already knows, such as: "It's time to get on with your life; you're young and can get married; or, you can have another child." Instead, really listen to her, be patient and sympathetic.
- Be fully present for her/him. Don't compare a situation to what you have experienced. You can never really know what someone's loss is like because every situation is unique.
- Special circumstances, such as a traumatic death or suicide, still require condolences. Address the situation honestly; "I was shocked and saddened to hear about ______________. I can't imagine what it must be like for you at this time." Please don't ask her/him to repeat the whole story to you. She/he has had to tell the story again and again, and that adds to the sadness and the stress.
taken from the book Acts of Kindness How to Create a Kindness Revolution by Maladee and Hanoch McCarty